Happy Relationships start with inner Happiness…

Do you think it’s possible to experience long term, happy relationships, or do you struggle to understand how relationships – once blossoming – become so confusing and complicated? Do you ever blame other people or situations for holding you back in life? Do you stop long enough to notice what you might be contributing to these situations?…

Happy relationships take work they don’t just happen, and to make them work we need to do some regular maintenance. First, there is self maintenance. I can start by looking at my own attitude – behaviours I may not recognise or willing to look at – though with a bit of courage, I will gain great insight into my relationships. Perhaps I can be too critical of myself or others. Maybe I entertain sabotaging thoughts – limiting myself and others is a subtle form of sabotage. Perhaps I use manipulative, controlling or bullying actions. Or maybe I give out the silent treatment or have trouble setting boundaries. Maybe I rescue others, or use others, or abuse others, or maybe I let them rescue or use or abuse me… In other words, before I can even think about having relationships with others (and expect them to be happy) – I must first know ME!

To live in harmony with others, it is essential that I am in harmony with myself – meaning that I must get to know myself and how I tick – before I can expect to tick happily with others. Spending quality time with ME, gives me an opportunity to pay attention to my own attitude and what is going on in my mind. I can regularly check to see if I dwell on things, if I have trouble letting go, if I SEE negative or positive, if my behaviour changes from when I’m on my own to when I’m with others. I can check that I don’t compromise my own value to please or impress others – or manipulate others to get my own way. If I don’t know ME and what I stand for, then I can’t respect myself, and neither will others. A tug-o-war starts – inside and out – and complications begin… And just as it takes time to get to know another person, so too it takes time to get to know ME. Therefore I can’t be miserly in giving myself time, for however much ‘self time’ I honour myself – this too will reflect in my relationships with others.

Often people think ‘when I meet the right partner things will be better”, expecting others to make them feel ‘whole’. Two halves in a relationship NEVER make a whole – especially when two halves are looking for others to make them happy… It doesn’t work! In fact, this is the complete opposite to creating happy relationships, this causes nothing but grief, tension and pain. The ONLY way a relationship functions smoothly and happily is when two whole people come together and share – not compromise or sacrifice – but contribute their strengths to each other. Relationships are about giving, not receiving – if all parties are busy giving from a full inner self, there will be no expectations and everyone wins. As I get to know me, I learn things about myself – what I like, what I don’t like, what I value, where I stand on things that are important to me. If I don’t know how to have a relationship with myself, how can I possibly come together with others and create happiness with them. To look outside of ourselves to fill ourselves full may satisfy us temporarily, but long term it’s not possible to remain happy this way. Understanding my own worth, I feel good about myself and don’t need anyone to make me happy, in fact I give happiness because I am full of self love. To keep filling this self love I must maintain a sense of self – when this is strong so will be my relationships. It’s healthy to spend time alone – when I’m alone I can define myself and not be defined by my relationships. Often we are so busy looking at others to make us happy or run around making others happy, we forget to keep ourselves happy and so our focus becomes unclear, our boundaries are blurred and blame is born through unrealistic expectations. That is not to say that we can’t support each other, of course we can, but we must never expect others to be responsible for our journey. When I give myself all I need through knowing and nurturing myself, there will be no misunderstandings, no miscommunications and no expectations.

Relationships with others rarely just fall into place, they need regular maintenance. All too often once a relationship reaches the ‘familiar’ stage, people generally don’t make as much effort and trouble begins to brew. Often unaware, but more often too busy blaming and unwilling to look at how to maintain it, the relationship begins to fray at the seams. Maintenance is therefore essential, relationships don’t just work by themselves. This maintenance may take many forms – but the main one has already been mentioned – keep working on yourself, while strengthening common links with others. What works in my relationship with my partner of 13 years is we both live a spiritual lifestyle. We are on the same page because we are both clear on the importance of self sustenance. Our main tools are meditation – a form of positive thinking – as well as regularly ‘checking and changing’ ourselves. We support each other yet are aware of our own powerful, individual roles. The more responsible we are for ourselves, the better our relationship functions. We are aware of our individual weaknesses but choose to cooperate by focusing on and working with our strengths – uplifting ourselves and each other. Cooperation also means that when I do for others, I must have the right thought and intention – if I’m unwilling, resistant or resentful while doing, neither of us will be happy. You see, our intention or thought creates a vibration and this vibration creates our attitude. When I’m happy with myself, my relationships will reflect that. Just as when I’m not happy with myself, my relationships will reflect that too…

Tip: Each time you catch yourself wanting to criticise or judge someone, stop… breathe, pack it up and get rid of it… Go within for a few seconds, silence is good to re-centre – a chance to become cool. This simple exercise enables you to respond rather than to react – when we react we instantly disempower ourselves (not supportive for happy relationships).